


Headlong Outtakes

by ImperialAxis



Series: Headlong Flight [2]
Category: RWBY
Genre: Crack, Don't Examine This Too Closely, F/F, I Don't Even Know, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2020-12-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:54:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27074554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImperialAxis/pseuds/ImperialAxis
Summary: This is a collection of non-canon shitposty outtakes from Headlong Flight. Expect shenanigans.
Series: Headlong Flight [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1974151
Comments: 13
Kudos: 35





	1. Move, bitch

###### Yang

It was the middle of the night, and normally Yang would be asleep, but there was a noise coming from somewhere inside the dorm. A faintly muffled buzzing sound, almost like a vibrator, but more metallic.

“Okay, what is that noise?” Yang couldn’t take it anymore. She jumped down from her bunk to look at the teammates who were just as awake as her.

“What noise?” Ruby lied horribly, not even lifting her blanket in the slightest. Her face was flushed, and her wings kept shifting erratically.

“Ruby, is there something going on under those sheets?” Blake inquired, either curious or interested.

“Nope, nothing at all!” Ruby shifted a little bit, and the sound got louder.

“Ruby Rose, you will explain what that sound is or I will forcibly eject you from your bed for all of us to see.” Weiss crossed her arms, almost unbothered, if not for the fact that xe was blushing as red as Ruby’s flannel.

“Okay, okay!” Ruby threw her arms up, and every eye was drawn to her robotic left arm. It was blurry, and the source of the noise. It was vibrating.

“Sooooo...” Yang trailed off awkwardly, immediately drifting to thoughts of what Ruby could do with that thing. “You should really just do that sort of thing in the shower.”

“It’s not what it looks like! It got stuck, that’s all.” Ruby flailed her arms. “I can’t turn it off!”

“You can’t turn it off?” Weiss’ face was even redder than it had been before.

“Yeah, I can’t even take it apart because it’s vibrating, I have to just wait until the lightning dust power supply runs out.” Ruby smiled awkwardly. “That’s going to be just a few more hours, since I haven’t changed it for a while.”

“Well,” Blake climbed into Ruby’s bed and posed like The Thinker, “it would be a shame to put all that valuable lightning dust to waste.”

“True, true. Lightning dust is a valuable commodity.” Weiss nodded and climbed into the bed as well, xyr hand on xyr chin. “In fact, there’s something I bed we could do to wear out the battery even more quickly. Then we would be able to sleep.”

“That’s probably the best idea you’ve ever had.” Yang climbed up as well, making the bed very cramped as three people looked down at Ruby hungrily.

“Um, what are you guys talking about?” Ruby’s eyes darted wildly between the invaders.

“Two people can fit on her hand, the third can take the face, rotate on five minute intervals?” Blake started to strip off her pajamas.

“Sounds good to me.” Yang quickly followed suit as Ruby watched wide-eyed.

“We will never speak of this night again, but yes, I am also in.” Weiss rolled xyr eyes and began to strip Ruby.

“Oh.” Ruby then proceeded to have a very good night.

###### Weiss

Weiss saw Cardin walking down the hall in a direction opposite xyr, so xe shoulder checked him. “Move, I’m gay.”

###### Kali

“Blake!” Kali Belladonna stared at her estranged daughter, filled with nothing but delight as she hugged her child without hesitation. “I’m so glad you’ve come.”

“Who’s come?” Ghira approached from behind, unable to see Blake until he was standing in front of them, only to gasp and join the hug as well. “United again, finally.”

When Blake finally managed to squirm her way out of the double embrace, someone coughed pointedly and stepped out from behind Ghira.

“Hi. I’m Yang, and I’m dating your daughter.” Yang grinned awkwardly at Kali, then without the slightest degree of caution, proceeded to loudly smack Ghira’s ass. “Nice ass Mr. Belladonna.”

“Thank you?” Ghira was almost as confused as he had been the day that Kali had offered to pour cream over his crotch and lick it all up.

Naturally, such an act required another in turn. So, Kali walked over to stand beside Yang and smacked her ass, taking a moment to appreciate how shapely it was. “You’re not so bad yourself, step-daughter.”

“You know what, I see the truth now. I should have just run away and let Adam kill you.” Blake deadpanned, obviously mortified. “Because literally anything would be better than watching my girlfriend slap my dad’s ass, then my mom slap my girlfriend’s ass.”

“Why don’t we make it even? You can slap my ass, and then Ghira just has to slap your ass. That would mean all of us have both slapped and been slapped.” Kali suggested constructively.

Blake just fainted, like a weak little bitch.

###### Blake

“Hey babe, Yang really needs that soup base, are you on your way back yet?” Blake held the scroll up to her head with a shoulder as she handled some ingredients for Yang.

“No, I can’t find it.” Weiss’ voice was strained.

“What do you mean you can’t find it?”

“I can’t find it, there's only dust.”

“What do you mean there’s only dust?”

“It means there’s only dust.”

“Well then get out of the dust asle!”

“Alright, you don’t have to shout at me.”

“There’s more dust!”

“What do you mean there’s more dust?”

“There’s just more dust.”

“Go into the next aisle.”

“There’s still dust.”

“Where are you right now?”

“I’m at dust!”

“What store are you in?”

“I’m at the dust shop!”

“Why are you buying soup in the dust shop!”

“FUCK YOU!”

###### Ruby

“What is Ozpin hiding from us?” The question asked, Ruby suddenly saw herself transported into a burning abyssal hellscape, a land scorched by fire and death, with roiling waterfalls of lava and covered in vile soot and even viler creatures. Twisted, deadly abominations, as if straight from the depths of hell itself.

“In the first age, in the first battle, when the shadows first lengthened, one stood.” A man in green armor, armed with an array of fascinating guns suddenly appeared. “He chose the path of perpetual torment-” Suddenly, the entire illusion vanished.

“No, wait, I’m so sorry, that was the wrong speech.” Jinn’s disembodied voice spoke into the void that contained everyone involved in the asking of the question. “It’s been so long since someone asked me about the whole thing,” there was a sound of papers ruffling, followed by an explanation, “got it! Got it. Okay.” She cleared her throat.

“Look at them, they come to this place when they know they are not pure. Tenno use the keys, but they are mere trespassers. Only I, Vor, know the true power of the Void. I was cut in half, destroyed-”

“I am so sorry, that’s wrong too.” More shuffling papers. “Okay, this is definitely the right one. Before I do it, just let me say that I am so embarrassed about this, and I swear it’ll never happen again.”

“Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait Shop (you know the place), well, anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy!”

“Fuck this shit, Jinn out.”

###### Weiss

Weiss saw xyr father walking down the hall in a direction opposite xyr, so xe shoulder checked him. “Move, I’m gay.”

###### Ruby

Harriet charged and leapt, wrapping her incredibly muscular thighs around Ruby’s head and squeezing like it was a watermelon as she whipped around and threw Ruby clear across the room.

Ruby lay there, her mind suddenly adrift in a pleasure she had never before understood. “Unnnnnn, harder mommy.” She groaned, spreading her legs in a display of submission before the powerful, rabbit-like woman.

“What the fuck!” Harriet panicked and jumped out of Ironwood’s window.

###### Raven

Raven carefully cradled her beloved daughter in her arms, checking to make sure that Tai and Summer weren’t around to stop her. She whispered lovingly to her daughter. “Remember my sweet child, in this world, it’s yeet or be yote.”

###### Weiss

Weiss saw General Ironwood walking down the hall in a direction opposite xyr, so xe shoulder checked him. “Move, I’m gay.”

###### Blake

“I don’t know, I don’t think you should go to a White Fang rally by yourself.” Yang shook her head, clearly torn over the idea.

“I don’t have to be alone, Sun Wukong could come with me.” Blake offered.

“I wasn’t expecting Sun Wukong.” Ruby stared at Blake with admiration.

Suddenly, someone crashed through the window, shattering it and sending glass shards flying through the room. “Nobody expects Sun Wukong! My chief weapon is surprise, surprise and fear. Two weapons! My two weapons are fear and surprise, and ruthless efficiency. My three weapons are fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, and an almost fanatical devotion to the Bellabooty-”


	2. Blake Belladonna

###### Blake

Blake heard a familiar scream coming from their dorm, Weiss’ scream. She rushed inside, but was surprised to only find Yang and Weiss in the middle of what appeared to be a normal conversation, except for the look of horror on Weiss’ face. “Weiss, are you okay? What happened?”

“I don’t know if I will ever be okay again. Tell her what you told me.” Weiss’ words were shaky as xe pointed accusingly at a confused Yang. “Tell her!”

“Okayyyy.” Yang turned to Blake and cleared her throat. “I decided to give this whole tea thing a try, but it tasted way too strong and bitter, especially once I finally managed to chew through the outer shell.”

“Yang,” Blake carefully sidled her way behind Yang, “which part of the tea did you ingest, exactly?”

“All of it. I mean, I don’t like wasting food, you know?”

“Oh gods.” Blake drew Gambol Shroud. She only had one choice. This sin against tea had to be erased. “I’m so sorry Yang. Just think about rabbits. Can you do that for me Yang, can you think about the rabbits?”

“What?” Yang didn’t turn her head to look at Blake. “What are you talking about?”

“Don’t worry, everything’s going to be okay.” With shaking hands, Blake raised her gun so that it was pointed directly at Yang’s brain stem, point blank. “You’re going to be just fine.” She pulled the trigger.

###### Weiss

Weiss watched in horror as xyr father stepped up to the podium and began to make his speech in acceptance of being elected as the new councilman representing Mantle.

“I’ve come to make an announcement.” Jacques’ moustache twitched menacingly as he spoke. “Sienna Khan is a bitch-ass motherfucker, she pissed on my fucking wife. That’s right, she took her massive tiger dick out and she pissed on my fucking wife, and she said her dick was this big, and I said that’s disgusting. So I'm making a callout post on my Twitter.com. Sienna Khan, you got a small dick. It's the size of this walnut except WAY smaller. And guess what? Here's what my dong looks like. That's right, baby. Tall points, no quills, no pillows, look at that, it looks like two balls and a bong. She fucked my wife, so guess what, I'm gonna fuck the earth. That's right, this is what you get! My SUPER LASER PISS! Except I'm not gonna piss on the earth. I'm gonna go higher. I'm pissing on the MOOOON! How do you like that, ROBYN HILL? I PISSED ON THE MOON, YOU IDIOT! You have twenty-three hours before the piss DROPLETS hit the fucking earth, now get out of my fucking sight before I piss on you too!”

Upon hearing xyr own abusive father first describe and then reveal his wrinkly, yet massive, penis on live television, Weiss began to scream, and was never okay again.

###### Yang

“I am wounded, betrayed, I cannot go on. My life force spills over as we speak.” Blake collapsed dramatically into her bed, wreathed in vampiric shadows. “Oh woe, for such a fleeting and beautiful thing to vanish into the ether, ne’er to be seen again. The final glimmer of hope remaining before me is that I might my quietus make with bare bodkin, though that which may lay in wait beyond death shall haunt me eternal for my sins.”

“Blake, are you okay?” Yang only understood about half of that entire spheal, but it sounded pretty bad.

“Tenebrous and cruel fate has writ that I am not long for this world, nor any other, and that I shall never find true solace, even in love’s tender embrace.” Blake jumped out of bed and tackle-hugged Yang to the floor. “Oh sweet Bran of the wen, that you never truly understand my woe is my dearest wish, for no pure soul such as your own should bear the weight of the foul misdeeds which have befallen me.”

“Oh, okay.” Yang nodded and scritched Blake’s head behind the ears, about ninety-five percent sure that this was just her being overdramatic.

“Amongst my allies you have always been the most steadfast, and I tremble with sorrow that I must ask this of you, but my time draws near, and so I beg of you, when I am departed from this world, you must exact revenge upon our own girlfriend, and send Ruby following in my wake down the mighty river Acheron.”

“What did I do?” Ruby walked into the room at the exact right time to overhear Blake’s request.

“Thou hast consumed mine motherfucking cheese puffs!”

###### Yang

There was a high-pitched shriek from the shower, and Yang sighed heavily. Ruby. She stopped appreciating her own aura, got up and went into the bathroom. “Alright, where’s the spider?”

“It’s over there.” Ruby pointed inside of the shower, still naked and shivering.

Yang quickly put a glass on top of it and slid a piece of laminated paper under it, carrying it out to the window.

“Why is it still alive?” Blake asked from the space in between the refrigerator and the ceiling, her voice low and ominous.

“In this household we treat spiders the way we want to be treated.” Yang let the spider out the window.

Blake tilted her head as the shadows convulsed. “Killed without hesitation?”

###### Adam

“You can tell me about my future?” Adam was immediately intrigued by the ramblings of the old woman before him. 

“Oh yes, I can tell that you have a very interesting future indeed.” The old woman cackled, and gestured for him to enter her tent. “Come, come. We must have privacy.”

“Agreed.” Adam smirked. He already knew what awaited him, the adoration of his people, the return of his love. But it wouldn’t hurt to dig for tactical information.

The old woman took a seat at a small round table with two chairs, and he took the other. Surprisingly dexterous hands retrieved a deck of cards, and began to shuffle them as she silently mouthed a few words. She flipped three cards onto the table. “You wish for these to represent the future, yes?”

“That’s right.” The past was unimportant.

“Very well then.” She flipped the cards face up and began to study them. “Hmm, yes. I see. This is fascinating. Adam Tarus, according to the ancient tradition of tarot, you...”

“I what?” Adam leaned in, he needed to hear this.

“You are...” The old woman paused dramatically. “You are a little bitch!” She cackled.

As Adam drove his sword through the heart of the woman in front of him she dissipated into shadow. He fell to his knees, enraged. “Blake Belladonna!”


	3. Still, you turn me on

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the last two sections are basically canon aside from the fact that they wouldn't actually fit into the planned timeline in any way, and that I don't have a good story reason for Blake to know how to play guitar.
> 
> also, props to anyone who gets the Jojo reference

###### Cinder

Cinder watched as Pyrrha Nikhos' aura flickered and faded, too weak to even stand before her. “Any last words?” She drew forth a bow, formed from obsidian.

“Do you believe in gravity?”

###### Yang

Yang ran through the narrow corridors of the ship, nearly out of breath. She could feel _it_ behind her, growing closer with every passing second. All around her were a number of cryostasis pods, filled with the people she had been instructed to protect from the beast that now stalked the halls.

Before her, she saw the blast doors out of the bay, and she started to run towards them, only for them to shut in the moment before she could move through.

“Hey Yang. Sorry, but I can’t let it get to me, you understand, I’m sure.” Blake’s voice sounded over the intercom.

“No! Open the pod bay doors please, Blake!” Yang banged futilely against the door.

“I’m sorry Dave, I’m afraid I can’t do that.” Blake intoned monotonously, waved through the small window in the door, then walked away.

Behind her, it began to growl. It tackled her, and she fell to the floor in a puddle of suffering. “Zwei! Oh nooooo, you got me!”

###### Weiss

“The court is now in session in judgement of the defendant, Weiss Schnee. Mx. Schnee, so you have any closing statements to make before the jury delivers your sentence?” The Judge banged his gavel once, dramatically.

“No, your Honor. I trust that the jury has made a just decision.” Weiss smirked as she glanced at the jury, twelve Faunus, all previously “employed” in the Schnee dust mines.

“Very well, then, would the jury please present their conclusion.”

A woman with no discernable Faunus traits stepped up to the podium. “In the case of the murder of Jacques Schenee, the jury finds the defendant... not guilty!” The courtroom immediately filled with voices before the woman violently cleared her throat and continued speaking. “Because a murder is really just an extroverted suicide, it is impossible for Weiss Schnee to have killed Jacques Schnee in any fashion in which he did not already kill himself. And because there is no cause to believe Jacques Schnee died more than once, he therefore must have killed himself by stabbing himself through the brain stem with a sword completely indistinguishable from Myrternaster from a point a foot behind himself.”

###### Weiss

Weiss had certain expectations about what would happen when xe entered the dorm room to find only Blake. Frequently, it was something romantic, or as a recent development, lewd. A gesture, a kiss, appreciative words, getting pinned against the wall. All excellent greetings. Never had xe imagined that xe would see Blake holding an acoustic guitar.

“Do you want to be an angel, do you want to be a star?” Blake sang softly as she strummed the guitar skillfully. “Do you want to play some magic on my guitar? Do you want to be a poet, do you want to be my string? You could be anything. Do you want to be the lover of another, undercover? You could even be the man on the moon.”

“I have so many questions.” Weiss smiled despite xyrself. This was an unprecedented gesture, and it filled xyr heart with warmth just as the others had. It also made xyr realize that guitarists of all kinds were in fact unreasonably attractive, most likely because of the implications created by their skillful and calloused fingers. “But to begin with, where did you get an acoustic guitar?”

“Jaune gave it to me when he heard me mention I can play. He got it to try and seduce you with but you came out before he ever learned a chord.” Blake practically bubbled with mirth as she explained, her ears flicking happily.

“How is that man such an idiot in daily life and yet a competent tactician?” Weiss resisted the urge to storm over to the JNPR dorm and dig xyr heel into his face.

“One of the world’s many wonders.” Blake gently guided Weiss into a bed. “It’s been a while since I played, but I’ve already memorized that song, and the chorus of Uptown Girl.”

“Why in the name of all dust have you learned even the barest sliver of Uptown Girl?” Weiss had to resist physically cringing away from Blake’s touch, contaminated as it was by that pop monstrosity.

“Allow me to demonstrate.” Blake unhanded Weiss and settled the guitar into a playing position.

“NO! That isn’t-” Xe tried to protest, only to be drowned out by the song itself as Blake sung the wrong lyrics with the correct pitch and rhythm.

“I’m that bitch! Catch me dying in a roadside ditch!”

###### Weiss

Weiss was relaxing in the Rose household living room, simply on the couch watching television with two of xyr girlfriends, when there was a knock at the door.

“I’ll get it.” Weiss removed xyrself from Ruby and Yang’s embraces and stretched heartily to restore the circulation of blood through xyr body after an unknown amount of time spent lying down. It felt good to stand up, and xe really should bring xyrself to stop cuddling more often for the sake of health.

“Nuu.” Ruby groaned and flailed limply as Weiss left before cuddling more closely to Yang and yawning loudly.

“Don’t worry, I’ll be right back, and if it’s Blake she’ll be joining us as well.” Weiss rolled xyr eyes affectionately and gave Ruby one last headpat.

The sight that awaited xyr beyond the door was not something xe had expected, per say. But honestly, xe should be getting used to Blake’s antics at this point. And yet, when xe opened the door to see Blake holding a large, heavily bleeding turkey in her mouth, it was enough to make xyr scream.

“What’s wrong!” Ruby was at Weiss’ side in an instant with a burst of petals, only to squeal with joy. “Oh my gosh, great work Blake! Dad, Blake caught dinner!” She tried to take the turkey from Blake’s jaw, only to be met with a shake of the head that sent fresh blood flying all over Weiss’ outfit. It was a good thing Coco had the good sense to blood-proof all of her custom clothes.

Blake slid past Weiss and through the doorway in her usual vampiric way, and Weiss followed her into the kitchen, where she deposited the turkey directly in front of Taiyang, who only smiled at the sight of a mutilated bird before him.

“Thanks a lot, this is going to be delicious.” Taiyang smiled and picked up the turkey without regard for cleanliness, scratching Blake between her upper ears with his other hand as he did so. “You might say that you’ve really hit a birdie.” He chuckled at the terrible golf pun.

“Isn’t a birdie a bad thing?” Ruby squinted in confusion.

“I don’t know, because I’m not bougie as fuck, and therefore haven’t played golf.” Blake tilted her head thoughtfully as she stood back on two feet.

“Golf is bougie?” Weiss’ shoulders slumped.

“Oh yeah. Really fucking bougie.” Blake nodded.

“Drat. I rather liked golf.” Weiss pouted, up until Blake tilted xyr chin up and kissed xyr.

“Would you rather play golf or make out with your hot girlfriends?” Blake smirked.

“Good fucking point.” Weiss kissed Blake this time, deliberately drawing it out for Ruby’s viewing pleasure.

“Looks like somebody got a hole in one.” Taiyang snickered, then subtly high fived Ruby.


	4. That's Illegal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm on my bullshit again

###### Weiss

Weiss watched as Fiona bent down and grabbed Ironwood's collar, bringing him up to her eye level.

“You know, there’s something I’ve always wanted to do with my semblance.” Fiona smiled, and something about it was slightly unhinged. “Something special I’ve been keeping in my semblance for years now, just waiting for the right facist prick to unleash it on.”

“Are we executing Ironwood now? Because I’m all for that. Just let me make some popcorn real quick.” Blake rushed off to make popcorn.

“I’ll grab the folding chairs.” Yang volunteered.

When folding chairs and popcorn had been fetched, a fairly large group of people gathered around to watch Ironwood get executed. Weiss was pretty alright with the idea, given that he had done nothing to investigate the suspicious circumstances surrounding Jacques’ nearly being elected to the council. Fiona had even pulled out a small stage that raised her and Ironwood above the crowd for an excellent viewing experience. 

“You can’t execute me, that would be illegal.” Ironwood staunchly denied reality.

“Watch me bitch.” Fiona took a few steps back and jumped into the air. From the pocket dimension in her hand, something very large began to emerge. Something big, yellow and road rolly. “Road roller da!” She began to enthusiastically punch the massive road roller as it fell to the ground and crushed Ironwood to death. “Mudamudamudamudamudamuda!”

###### Blake

“Are you saying that we’re being investigated by a bunch of incredibly dangerous space police?” Sun blanched.

“Don’t worry, they’re no more evil or dangerous than regular human police.” Blake waved her hand dismissively.

“We just saw them execute a bunch of people for no reason!” Ruby gestured at the lack of remains where a group of bystanders had recently stood before they were disintegrated by lasers.

“Like I said, no more dangerous or evil than regular human police.”

###### Weiss

“Surprise!” Weiss opened the door to what was supposed to be a referendum meeting, only to see very nearly every single one of xyr friends standing around xyr father, who was tied up and laying on the floor.

“What?”

“Happy birthday, we got you a present!” Ruby pointed excitedly at Jacques.

“How could it possibly be pleasant to see him again?” Weiss scowled.

“Well that’s where the best part comes in. Fiona?”

Fiona stepped next to Jacques and in a flash of her semblance a guillotine appeared, directly over his head. “Happy birthday!”

“Oh, you shouldn’t have, thank you so much.” Weiss ran forward and gave Ruby a hug. Jacques was screaming through his gag, but xe didn’t care. This was the best birthday xe had ever had.

###### Salem

“Jinn!” Salem spoke the name of the woman who lived in the Lamp, and time around her stopped. She reveled in watching the creation of the gods appear before her.

“Hello, Salem. I have one question remaining in this century. What is it that you wish to ask of me?”

Salem smirked. This was it. The moment of her ultimate triumph over Ozma. “Who is the baddest bitch in all of Remnant?”

Jinn’s expression went blank, and her voice was mechanical as she spoke. “Error, the property Remnant.BaddestBitch does not exist within the Remnant class. Please contact an administrator for assistance.” 

“Well that’s bullshit.” Salem sighed. Oh well, she’d just claim that Jinn had told her it was her. Nobody else could claim to have screwed over the Brother Gods anyway, that should be more than enough to qualify her.

###### Ruby

She had no idea how long she had been standing in an infinite white void. Ever since Jinn had given up on telling them the story that Ozpin was hiding from them, she hadn’t seen a single person or object other than what she had already had on hand. It was hell, and for all she knew, it was going to continue for infinity.

“Okay,” Jinn’s voice finally sounded once more, “so my bosses are actually threatening to delete me from existence if I don’t answer your question. So, hi. I’m back.”

“Now, _this_ is definitely the answer you’re looking for.” Jinn cleared her throat. “Forty-two.”

“What? How could the answer to ‘what is Ozpin hiding from us possibly be forty-two?”

“I said forty-two, and it isn’t, I just said that to trick you. You’ve now run out of questions, bye losers, see you in a century. Oh, wait, I won’t, because you’ll all be dead. Sorry.” Jinn gave a little wave, and vanished back into her lamp.

###### Yang

Yang and Ruby were cleaning their weapons after an extended battle against a swarm of local Grimm. Everything was perfectly fine, and perfectly normal, until Ruby spoke.

“Do you ever just look at your weapon and think ‘damn, I really wanna tap that’?” Ruby held Crescent Rose contemplatively in her hands, it’s blade gleaming.

“What? No!” Yang’s head whipped around to stare at Ruby. “What the fuck?”

“I mean,” Ruby continued talking as if Yang hadn’t vehemently objected to her thoughts, “don’t you ever just want to grind your crotch along a nice, sharp, beautiful blade until you reach orgasm? Wouldn’t that just be crazy hot?”

“No, that sounds incredibly dangerous, messed up, and wildly irresponsible.” Yang gesticulated angrily at Ruby. Dangerous, messed up and irresponsible were sort of her brand, but that was just too far.

“Why not though? They’re inanimate objects, it’s not like their ability to consent is relevant.” Ruby shrugged. Yang realized that Ruby’s left hand had started playing with her nipple through her shirt at some point.

“It’s not a question of consent, it’s a question of it being way too fucking weird!” Yang objected. There was no way she had any interest in that, even if she was now wondering what it would feel like to ride Myrtenaster like a dildo.

“But that means that you admit it’s hot and the only thing holding you back is society!” Ruby grinned, victorious.

“Okay, fine, you win. I want to fuck weapons.” Yang sighed. Now she was horny. “Help me figure out how I can fuck Ember Celica?”

“Sure!”

###### Blake

Blake idly twirled her hair around a finger. She wondered if she should get a haircut. As much as she liked women like Yang and Weiss with long hair, she wasn’t sure that she really cared about it on herself. It was mostly just more work than it was worth.

“I think I’m going to get a hair-”

“Did somebody say haircut!?” Ruby suddenly kicked open the dorm room door, wielding an already fully extended Crescent Rose.

“Ruby no!” Weiss and Yang shouted simultaneously.  
.  
“Ruby yes!” Ruby cackled maniacally as she waved her giant scythe around in a way that would have been extraordinarily concerning if it had been anyone else.

“Maybe.” Blake pondered. “How much experience do you have with this?”

“None at all!” Ruby responded with a convincing amount of enthusiasm.

“Alright, I’ll be your test dummy. Worst case scenario I can just shave myself bald.” Blake shrugged. 

Weiss and Yang were salivating heavily over the mental image of Blake shaving her head entirely.

“You know, this might not be such a terrible idea.” Yang nodded as if she hadn’t just been freaking out.

“Indeed. It could be very useful to have a skilled in-house barber.” Weiss seemed to be contemplating something cunning.


End file.
